I was at a house party. _____ and ____ were both there. In the beginning I was just milling around by myself. Then I had the moment of seeing them both from across the party, and realizing all three of us were there. This was a moment of fear.
Then I was sitting with _____. We were at a kitchen island facing out towards the rest of the party, having a conversation. But the way he was talking to me was wrong, hard for me to follow, and I was so confused by the lack of clarity when he had seemed so vivid to me in the past that I had a difficult time retaining what he said. Then I felt his hand on my leg. He kept talking, showing nothing on his face as his hand traveled up my thigh and between my legs. I said nothing, I listened to him talk. He fingered me under the counter, continuing to speak as though nothing were happening, and I sat there with my legs apart and let him do it. I was shocked into silence. I'd been so attracted to him for so long but the insensitivity of this gesture made me go cold. I looked out at all the people in front of us, none of whom could see what _____ was doing. Didn’t I want this? But no, not this way. I was confused, this was not something I thought he’d do. It was all wrong. My fear in the face of his bland expression made me feel stupid. I could barely distinguish his voice from the noise of the party. I’m not sure how long this went on.
Then I was with ____. We were in a bedroom in the house, about to have sex. When I made to take off their clothes they stopped me. “I need to tell you something before we do this,” they said. They paused for a moment, then sheepishly admitted, “I don’t have a penis.” I almost laughed, not in ridicule - I just didn’t see what the big deal was. In fact, it excited me. “That’s ok,” I said. We took off our clothes and they lay on their back on the bed. I got on top of them, admired their hermaphroditic dream anatomy. In reality ____ does have a penis. Then we had sex, but that wasn’t part of the dream.
After that I found myself out in the hall. It was very late in the party and ____ and _____ were both gone. There were people all around me but they were people I didn’t know, and they were all passed out, groaning and vomiting. It was dark, I kept stumbling over limp arms and legs. I couldn’t find my pants or underwear and tugged my shirt down to try and cover myself, though it didn’t matter much to anyone but me since any open eyes I saw were glazed over. It was cold. I wandered around like this for a long time.
I was in lower Manhattan hanging around the New School, at the Center for Arcane Studies. There was a certain book from the library I needed to get, and I also needed to talk to ____, who was enrolled there and sure to be around. I felt I had finally figured out a way to verbalize a serious communication issue we had been having in our relationship and was desperate to find them. The librarian at the Center for Arcane Studies didn’t have what I was looking for and said I should try the gift shop. So I went there and I couldn’t find what I was looking for either. I gave up and went outside.
As I was unlocking my bike I ran into ____. They were walking with a few of their friends. I was so desperate to talk to them about the thing I had realized that I started running my mouth about our private life right in front of them all. ____ was frustrated with me and didn’t seem to hear anything I was saying. I was dismissed. I felt like I had been made a fool of. I threw up my hands and we went in different directions. Then as I was biking away I felt that I had suddenly made a great insight and needed to go back to ____ right away and explain myself, as well as apologize for my earlier behavior. I made a quick U-turn and popped my bike up off a curb and into the air. I flew, pedaling over the Village and scanning the crowds for ____. I couldn’t find them and was growing distraught. After a few minutes of this I brought my bike down at South Street Seaport and walked into a restaurant on the pier and sat down. I began to cry. The tears were hot on my face. My vision blurred, I looked out unseeing into the restaurant, my eyes and mouth open, abandoning myself to my anguish. Then I heard laughter. I blinked and looked over at the table next to me and Mindy Kaling and her entourage were sitting there, snickering and looking at me out of the corners of their eyes. I stood up and turned away. There was a building with restrooms nearby, a big one. It looked like a hotel. There was a set of stairs in front and I began to walk up. When I was about halfway there the stairs turned into a ramp, I fell on my face and slid back down to the bottom. Then I crawled up the ramp.
At the top of the ramp was an entrance to a lofty black marble lobby. On the other side of the lobby were two doors. There was a word carved into the stone above each door. One was marked “WOMEN,” the other “DEVILS.” I went into the one that said “DEVILS.” Inside was more black marble, a row of sinks and a row of stalls. I walked into a stall. There was no toilet inside, I looked around and found only a drain in the floor. I pulled down my pants and prepared to squat over the drain.